Men and boards (pt 2)

So I made my decision.  And in the end I went with my gut feeling.  I followed my nose and sniffed out a couple of factories, fingered the boards of great shapers and made my decision based on which felt the rightest.  I don’t understand the mechanics behind it but it’s like this …. I had an image in my head of what I wanted created and I went with the person I felt most likely to produce that image.  It was a gamble, but I felt happy because then it became a case of seeing and waiting rather than worrying I made the wrong decision.  I knew I'd made the right one.  I still know.  I just didn't know how exactly the board was going to turn out.  

But this is the part of the creative process where we have no control, I could only communicate my needs and offer as much guidance towards my vision as clearly as possible.  Unless I became a surfboard shaper, it was out of my hands.  It's a case of letting go.

In this whole mini journey I have faced some difficult decision making which has encouraged me to study decision making and the creative process in general.

First off, I had to make peace with not buying an eco board.  I feel so guilty.  Surfboards are toxic.  But the decision to purchase a tradition fibreglass board over an eco one was overridden by complete and utter desire.  I so want a traditional log.  So this is the compromise… this is my last surfboard that is not sustainable and eco friendly…. (OK possibly my second last one).  It's my second surfboard I have ever had made, and my last one lasted 10 years. I'm planning on turning it into a shower, so at I least get to embrace some sort of sustainability project with it.

But this is the last time I indulge in such unearthly behaviour.  And I will live with the guilt.  Because that desire will be fulfilled when I’m sliding along tiny waves on the nose and that guilt will hopefully be transformed into “Thank you thank you thank you!”

I also had to be prepared for disappointment.  Not get my expectations up into the clouds somewhere.  It was just a board.  Keep things in perspective.

Finally, I had to remember to not get too attached to my creation, because she was going to age and certainly wasn't going to last forever.  She was made to be ridden and was going to encounter dents and dings.  And if I was going to be pushing myself and progressing as a surfer I couldn’t be afraid of what might happen when doing so.  The board was designed specifically as a tool for fun, so I was going to have to be ok with it being used properly and one day potentially falling apart.

I nearly cried when I first saw her.  She was perfect.  And I can confirm that every time I take my new board into the sea I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude.  Today, after a particularly gleeful slide, I exclaimed out loud: “This board was made for me!”.  

And the choices, decisions, knowing, creative control, attachment, lessons and approach all filtered off into the distance because it just came down to one thing - pure joy in that moment.

I once told my ex my dream of owning a rainbow nose rider… His response was: “You can’t!  You'll look like an idiot!”  I was a little bit crushed.  I’m a sensitive soul, yet I hadn’t realised just how much those two little words truly impacted my self esteem and dented my confidence on the path to pursuing my dreams - albeit materialistic ones. 

Possibly something I had heard before - from parents, teachers, friends, family, authority - these two words represent every negative influence or intangible barrier ever erected, eventually forming and reaffirming the resounding voice that becomes responsible for denying us access to our dreams.  

So today I smiled as I glided past him on my rainbow nose rider.  The point is - nobody else gets a say in what you dream.  And even if they do, don’t listen to them - because it’s your dream.  Today I saw the evidence : I CAN.  And whatever your dreams… You can too.

SHE-ROES OF THE SEA: dr. ingrid visser

Back in January I volunteered at the Orca Research Trust in Whangarai, New Zealand and had the incredible opportunity of assisting Dr. Ingrid Visser in the day to day running of her one woman orca show -  The Orca Research Centre.  

One of the selfless people on this planet fighting for the rights of whales and dolphins, Dr. Visser, lives and breathes orca research and is dedicated to the downfall of the captivity industry.  You might also recognise her from the GoPro video or the documentary: The woman that swims with Orca.  

Dr. Visser shared her valuable time with me in order talk about what we can all do to help Orca and their ocean home. 

5 words that best describe you….

Pedantic, tenacious, determined, passionate, obsessed.

What gives you strength?

I think it’s making progress, if I can see that we’re just getting the tiniest bit ahead, in whatever field it is, whether its writing a scientific paper, or fighting the good fight, just a little bit of glimmer of hope gives me strength.

What makes you happy?

Being out with the Orca in the wild.  Definitely!  It’s beyond happy, it’s ecstatic when I’m with the animals.

How long have you been working with Orca?

Officially I’ve been working with the Orca since 1997, but unofficially it started when I was about 6 years old!

What makes the Orca so special?

I have never been able to put my finger on it!  There are so many things, it’s almost like they’re an enigma and I’m yet to hear anyone really articulate it.  They’re figuratively and literally very deep animals.

Where are your favourite places in the world to see wild Ocra?

1. New Zealand

2. Antarctica

3. Papua New Guinea 

4. Argentina

5. The Pacific North (Russia, BC, Washington State)

6. Norway

7. Iceland

What has been your most incredible encounter with wild Orca?

Too many to count!  I’d say the most incredible has to be involving rescues - whether its disentanglement or strandings, its not about my experience, it’s about managing to help the animal.  To see them go free, to see them return to their family - that’s the most incredible thing.

Can you tell us a little known fact about Orca.

They don’t have eyelids! And there’s a lot of boy on boy action which is normal in the Orca world. It appears that this happens mostly because there is a female mate choice and the females typically choose the older males as they are demonstrating they’re able to survive for a long time - its like the ladies are looking for the Sean Connery’s of the Orca world!  In the meantime there’s all these frustrated young males who want to express themselves sexually, so they hang out together and spend a lot of time together, which is pretty entertaining to watch!!

If you could ask the whales a question, what would it be?

Please teach me to speak Orca, then I could ask lots of questions!

You are an inspiration for women who want to work with whales, do you have any advice for them?

To know that you can do it.  I was told that the only way I could work with whales was at SeaWorld and I knew at 6 years old that that wasn’t the right way to go.  So I would say don’t give up on your dream.  Remain true to yourself, remain true to your dream and you will achieve it.

You’re a long time dead so make the most of every opportunity that presents itself.

What can women do to help cetaceans?

There is nothing that we can’t do! From the smallest thing to the largest, some of the top whale biologists are women and some of the top fundraisers are women.

There is something really simple: Don’t ever buy a ticket to see a cetacean in captivity.

And fundraising is a huge asset. Donations can be the backbone of whether someone can get out and do research.

What can we do in terms of the bigger picture, to help the oceans in general? 

For a start, women often use face scrubs and some of these have microbeads which are actually made of plastic.  These are starting to be outlawed, which is fantastic but they’re still available so make the choice to go for something that is organic instead.

Don’t use plastic bags, they are NASTY for the marine environment.

Choose to use chemicals that are biodegradable.

In the big scheme of things these little things will make the biggest difference.  Individually we are not going to be able to change the world but we can change how we impact the world.

To learn more about Dr. Visser and her work with Orca please visit:

YOGA TO BALANCE IN THE SURF

I’ve spent the last 3 months practicing surfing and yoga…nothing else.  Saying that I’ve spent the last 10 years practising surfing and yoga, and not a lot else!  It is often heard that surfing and yoga are the perfect union and yes, I agree!  This summer I have explored that marriage extensively.

Surfing can challenge us physically, mentally and emotionally whilst connecting us to something greater that ourselves and out of our control (the ocean).  So too can yoga and through a dedicated practice the spiritual connection we develop is known in yoga philosophy as Atman-Brahman - Atman being the individual soul (us) and Brahman being all the energy in the cosmos or Universal consciousness (everything there is including us).

Both prepare and evolve the body and mind with complimentary movements and techniques, whilst training our focus, awareness and ability to move consciously.  Both encourage the process of being present whilst working towards operating from our highest self.  Both require the chitter chatter of the mind to be observed and ultimately quietened.

Unless you have been lucky enough to learn surfing as a child, it is possible you will face some major challenges when trying to balance your body on top of a moving surfboard on top of a moving wave.  There are so many variables and inconsistencies from one wave to the next, not to mention the possible arrival of uncomfortable emotions such as anger, frustration and embarrassment thanks to our faithful friend the ego.

So the more we practice surf specific yoga, with the intention to develop as a surfer, the more we can direct the power of yoga towards our intention.  Remember the goal is not necessarily the destination but acknowledging what we have learned about ourselves along the way - and breath awareness is KEY.  Although more success in the water always helps with motivation of course!

Here’s my top 5 yoga asana to help increase stability, fluidity and balance in the water, with a speeded up video incorporating all 5.  Stay tuned for more surf specific sequences featuring poses and that will help open the hips, stabilise the core and prepare for facing bigger challenges in the surf.

Dolphin (Sishulasana)

Strengthens core, opens the back of the legs, shoulder stabilising, works the external arm rotators, elbows and wrists - which all need to be firing for that crucial pop up.

Frog Pose (Bhekasana)

Works the core, shoulders and back, whilst encouraging a small backbend.  Pretty much what we are doing when we lie on the surfboard but with an added intense stretch for knee extensors and hip flexors.

Crow (Bakasana)

An arm balance to symbolise taking off and floating up and away from the surfboard - working the abdominals shoulders, arms, wrists and legs too.  A lifted Drsthi (gaze) is uber important, if you look down, you go down and same applies to dropping into waves.

Half Moon (Ardha Chandrasana)

Creating balance through training the standing leg, which must be active along with the lifted leg.  Several variations can be applied - starting off with a block, then moving to lifting the top arm, the gaze and finally the lower hand lifting.  Remain clam by focussing on the breath.

Revolved Crescent Lunge (Parivrtta Anjaneyasana)

Creates flexibility in the rib cage, needed for turns; builds stability through strengthening the quadriceps and gluteus muscles and directly benefits surfing by stretching the psoas and hips.

How Drifting took me from media to surfing and back again…

I’m a sucker for a story.  I guess that’s why I chose media when faced with that eternal question, filled with promise and potential… and pressure: “what do you want to do with your life?”

It meant I could watch stories, create stories, analyse stories and explore my love for stories to my hearts content.  After 5 years of study it became time to put what I had learnt into action and take a step firmly onto my career ladder of choice.  Except I found it really difficult.  It was pre internet explosion and the media industry was going through some big shifts.  I was 21, still figuring out who I was and also going through some big shifts. 

I would scour the jobs section in the Guardian and visualise myself making it as an MTV presenter.

I did work experience at Factory Media and Chrome Productions, and pestered Channel 4 for jobs to no avail.  When it came to choosing my direction and destination after completing Uni, I still wasn’t quite sure and there were no leads for me to follow.  I decided to spend the summer in Newquay, and it was here surrounded by stag parties and secrets spots I learnt to surf.  6 months later moving to the city didn’t seem like such a bright idea.  I stayed in Cornwall and continued my career in surf, which unfortunately, was never going to take me to the professional ranks.  It did, however, open me up to many other avenues such as travel, yoga and environmentalism.  I drifted into these areas, becoming a female surf coach in Morocco, teaching yoga in the Costa Rican jungle and travelling to Antarctica with Sea Shepherd Conservation Society.  I even drifted back to London to see if I could attempt a conventional career in the media but after mini meltdown and a fortuitous crossing of paths with my former yoga teacher on the tube, jumped ship after three weeks and promptly booked myself onto yoga teacher training in India.

And after my Drifting took me to Hossegor, where I met someone I wanted to spend more time with, I found myself in Jersey, Channel Islands.

Suddenly I was no longer Drifting, I was very static and I was on a tiny island, 9 by 5 miles wide.  But the beauty of it was that every day was different, I got to see the seasons change, go on micro adventures, feel at home and forge relationships that are impossible to sustain when you are always Drifting.  And by staying put, I realised the joy of not Drifting.  

However, the Drifter in me still lurked and after nearly 3 years (and enjoying some rather great winter holidays) I needed to see other parts of the world, namely New Zealand, truly accept the end of my relationship and learn more about sustainable living through permaculture.  Drifting turned more strategic and soon I found myself working, creating and collaborating on projects and businesses in a multitude of places and in a plethora of fields (but always eco, yoga, surf based).  And also questioning why I spent all that time learning and training, only to turn my back on the media.  It’s no longer my focus yet I can feel it buzzing away in the back of my consciousness somewhere.  Obviously I’m still tapped into the big media picture through the internet but I haven’t owned a TV for years, let alone bought a newspaper and I’m one of the annoying people that does #vanlife instagram posts - no netflix and chill for moi, just a sunset please.

I will always have a love for stories and a need for creation.  Yet what I discovered from Drifting is that if I take myself out of nature and into an office, in front of a screen, surrounded by air con, structure and too much coffee; I am lost.     

This is where DRIFT originates from - a vital need for fresh air and salt water, a reconnection with nature and time to simply breathe, stretch, walk, surf, eat, swim, explore, wander, converse and stargaze.  We sync with the tides, not what time the shops or bars are open or public transport starts.  We wake with the dawn and sleep when its dark.  We detox from screens and devices.  Space.  Freedom.  No pressure.  From here creativity is allowed to flow.

I have drifted all over the world and have found one of the most idyllic spots to be on our doorstep and part of the British Isles.  There is no better place for media professionals and creatives to come and get an immersion in surfing, yoga and meditation techniques, feast on delicious local and organic produce, whilst staying in converted war tower situated a National Park overlooking the waves.

In Jersey, there is a different pace of life to that of London, a contrast my Drift cofounder Rebecca Coley knows only too well.  It is why she has moved back to her Island home after 10 years as a film maker, grinding away in the big smoke.

And it is here I find myself once again connected to the media industry, working with Rebecca, teaming up with a community of Drifters, capturing the essence of Jersey, Island life, yoga, surfing and nourishing food through our photos and films and offering a slice of all I have learnt after 13 years of Drifting.

Right now we have a special offer for for all our friends & family (this includes YOU!)... £300 for a 4 day retreat on either 23rd September (Ladies Only in association with Roxy Fitness) or 30th September (Mixed). 

I do hope you join us… Visit DRIFT for more info.  Or email driftretreat@gmail.com to claim this very special offer.

Men and boards (pt. 1)

My longboard has died and I’m on the look out for the perfect new board.  And I mean perfect.  I need it to adhere to all my surfing needs, fulfil my deepest sliding desires and serve me as a vehicle of progression, fun, joy and of course, style.

On my quest I have managed to seek out some men with crafty skills to help manifest my creation and right now there are a few potential suitors key to providing the surfboard of my dreams.  (I was kinda looking for a woman, but woman shapers are hard to find… why exactly that is, I am planning on exploring in another blog post). 

Anyway, these craftsmen aren’t aware that I’m asking them all the same questions - can you do a swirly resin tint, how long will it take, could i have some money off in exchange for private yoga classes - but it feels a bit like I am playing them off against each other before I make my final choice.

It reminds me of a book I read about dating.  Keep your options open and don’t get too attached early on.  Don’t be charmed by what people offer you and wait until you feel ready to move forward when you see evidence of authenticity and accountability.

After years of unhappy relationships I started delving further into the “why” behind the “who” I was attracted to.  “Are you the one for me” by Barbara De Angelis happened to have some clues to where I was going wrong:

“Your unconscious mind will seek to complete its unfinished emotional business from childhood by getting you to “choose” people who will help you recreate your childhood dramas”

Compatibility and commitment are what are apparently needed for a relationship to work and there are many pit falls to avoid in the process of picking a partner (or new board too) - fatal flaws like emotional unavailability, addictions and narcissism should be signs to take a wide berth, along with 1990’s style baby pink hibiscus flowers, not enough volume and oddly angled rails when it comes to board design.

I know the dream board and I are going to be perfect for one another because a) I am aware of my needs and wants b) I’m designing it myself to fulfil my needs and wants and c) its not trying to be my one and only surfboard.  Its going to be a heavy log, for small, glassy days, days which are oh so perfect for trimming and dancing towards the nose.  I will make an informed decision not to take it out on those choppy, chunky and onshore conditions so that our relationship is not subjected to rocky ground (or indeed messy water).

Just as my friends are awesome to drink prosecco (or tea) with, explore new versions of headstands and giggle about things only girls together can giggle about, as well as provide emotional support for when the going gets less giggly… I do not expect them to build me a tree house or rub my head when I am tired.  My family are amazing at unconditional love and making me feel part of a weird and wonderful tribe but I wouldn’t want to head out on a sunset beach picnic to celebrate the full moon and a heightened sense of arousal with them. 

So here’s what I’m learning about guys and boards;  In the past I have looked for “the one”, all encompassing surfboard to bring me love, light and happiness… but sometimes the waves, or my mood didn’t suit the board, and things went down disheartened hill soon after.  Sometimes I was expecting a little too much, and sometimes what we both wanted wasn’t compatible or the guy, ahem i mean board, wasn’t quite so embracing of my style and direction in life, umm i mean surfing.  Sometimes spending time in the water with a board made me feel like a shit surfer.  So after numerous wipeouts, missed moments, wasted energy and bruises both real and egoic, I got rid of the board by selling it, gifting it, turning it into wall art or the board broke my heart by breaking.  After borrowing some of my mates boards, boards belonging to camps and schools as well as professional surfers boards I realise it wasn’t that I was shit at surfing, it was a shit board.  And we most certainly didn’t belong together, forever.

Since I started surfing 12 years ago I’ve ridden a lot of boards and have ofter pondered why things just weren’t working out for me - why couldn't I just find one board of my dreams and we surf off into the sunset together.  The answer is because it doesn’t work like that, or at least it hasn’t for me yet.  I've had to learn and grow, let go and walk away.  I’ve had some very lovely periods of time, some incredible moments and waves to be truly treasured.  With hindsight that experience has enabled me to truly refine what it is I want from my next surfboard, consider how it will compliment and challenge my surfing and chart the details specific to enhancing my surfing lifestyle, from a wiser view point.  And it has made me a better surfer ;) 

Now I know what I’m looking for in my next surfboard, but I’m not quite sure about my next man.  Let’s not forget that surfboards are inanimate objects and men are complicated beings, most certainly even more tricky to understand when viewed from the female perspective. And personally, I think this is the most extraordinary part to male/female relationships, how we can be so different and contrasting, yet somehow have the potential to work harmoniously together - only if assisted by a large dose of compassion and consciousness - oh and commitment and compatibility according to Barbara.

I guess I’ll start with integrity, emotional openness and maturity, full of love (and able to give and receive love freely) followed by someone who can build treehouses, doesn’t mind giving head rubs and quite likes the odd sunset picnic and moonlit tryst.  Oh and a surfboard shaper would be pretty handy ;)  But one thing I know is that I’m not looking for perfect and I am waiting for real. 

“If you are not prepared for the intensity of the powerful learning experience love provides, you will resist your relationship and resent your partner.  You will become angry at the mirror for the reflection it is showing you.”

I think I may well prefer riding my new surfboard off into the sunset!!!

Karma. Dharma. Drama.

Karma is the principle of cause and effect - where intent and action of an individual influences the future of that individual.  Dharma is the cosmic law of the Universe and also refers to our vocation or path of righteousness. Drama is what our ego mind loves to engage in... Turmoil, rumination, stories, anxiety.  But all serve to give greater meaning to our lives, greater depth to our experience and greater knowledge of who we really are.

Last month I attended a Roxy fitness event in Biarritz in association with The Biarrose, a womens only race to raise money and awareness for breast cancer.

Whenever breast cancer is brought to my attention, I automatically think of my Canadian cousin, Amy Fox.  A true beauty and a fighter, she lost her battle in 2013 aged just 36. 

I had not spent a lot of time with her, but one summer growing up her presence is etched in my memories.    I was 8 and she was 13. We shared a bunk bed and talked way into the night.  She had a wicked sense of humour and a phobia of spiders.  She was the first person to explain to me about sex.  I thought she was the coolest kid I had ever met.

As I milled around waiting for the race to start, I considered how breast cancer could have taken so many women, including my beautiful cousin who was a Mother and a wife, a sister and a daughter. 

"More than 50,000 women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year in the UK... it is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in women in the UK" Breast Cancer Now

I failed to come up with any answers, only more questions.  

Aside from thoughts of Amy I started feeling conscious about having to wear a tiny sports bra.   As a Roxy Fitness ambassador I was wearing the latest collection and you’d think as a Roxy Fitness Ambassador I would be proud to show off my tummy.  But no, I’m actually quite shy and insecure about getting my tummy out in public and being photographed for international media.

I didn’t know Amy’s secret insecurities but I’m sure she had a lot more courage and audacity than me after years of chemo and dealing with a viscous disease.  I wished she could have been there to run that 6K with me. 

I didn’t want to focus on the negatives, the loss, the devastation… I needed to find a reason to be grateful for this opportunity to run with 1000s of other incredible women who had also lost friends and family members.  And if it meant baring all of my belly, who cared!?

I completed the run, my first ever 6K and felt high.  I understood the need to come together and do something positive for all that breast cancer has ruined - women, lives, livelihoods - it is the only way we will not be beaten.  We will continue to bring about change, by coming together, supporting each other and building awareness.

The only puzzle I can piece together is that we are 100% responsible for loving ourselves 100% fully.  Self love at whatever stage of life we are at, whether we are healing or in pain… is always required.  Thanks to Amy I felt just a little bit more self love from that day and saw that when we come together, women are powerful, we have strength, courage, beauty and with impenetrable self love we can be 100% fearless.

Radical Acceptance

When I was 17 I found out I couldn’t have children.  I was born without a womb, a condition known as Mayer Rokitansky Kuster Hauser (MRKH) that affects approximately 1 in 5000 women.

The way I am is not outwardly noticeable, and for years it felt like I harboured a dark secret.  I did not have the wisdom, courage or the ability to communicate effectively who I was and how I felt to others, perhaps I had not been shown how, perhaps it has been my biggest hurdle and in turn my greatest triumph.

Now I can talk about it freely and easily, in fact I feel blessed that I was born the way I was and I am able to share that part of myself with people, in such an open and objective way.  I no longer feel ashamed or less of a woman, but it has indeed taken some work to get here.  I would like to reach out to others who have gone through or are going through similar situations, especially teenage girls, who like me, may have suffered with an identity crisis or turned to toxic substances or relationships to numb the pain.  Talking honestly helps to release pent up emotional trauma and together we can help reprogram ourselves with positive mindsets, deleting the self judgement that so often comes from an “I’m not enough” reoccurring thought pattern.  Yet this is not just for women with MRKH, I believe this to be universal.

For many of us, feelings of deficiency are right around the corner. It doesn’t take much--just hearing of someone else’s accomplishments, being criticized, getting into an argument, making a mistake at work--to make us feel that we are not okay. Beginning to understand how our lives have become ensnared in this trance of unworthiness is our first step toward reconnecting with who we really are and what it means to live fully. 
--from Radical Acceptance

Surfing has been the ultimate therapy for me, healing deep wounds and restoring my self esteem.  I started when I was 21, fresh out of Uni when I felt lost and free at the same time.  

It was so refreshing to be engulfed in something that was bigger than me and completely out of my control.  I felt so small and insignificant, yet with every paddle stroke, every wipeout and every wave I felt stronger, more alive.  Tumultuous emotions would be released as I got washed around by Mother Ocean, often I would find myself crying, sometimes in sadness, sometimes with pure joy.

Like life, in surfing it is possible to get caught up in analysing the why, the what ifs and the if onlys.  And in terms of radical acceptance this is a waste of energy.  We get what we’re given.  Some days are big, some windy, some small and once in a while… absolutely perfect. 

But what is perfection? Just an image really, an expectation of how things should be.  That can be so damaging in itself.  

I have since read Byron Katie’s Loving What Is, which is a lesson in accepting and loving whatever arises… because feeling any other way, is quite simply, madness.

So really, the best thing to do is to accept what the ocean has to offer, accept it with graciousness and make the most of your short, sweet time together where maybe you learn something on the way, maybe you just simply survive or maybe you feel so full of joy your heart will burst.  Of course, we’re always aiming for the latter, us humans are so addicted to that feeling of ecstasy, yet unfortunately craving only leads to more suffering, according to Buddhist teachings.

Through learning about radical acceptance, I realise the process I went through to deal with MRKH was exactly that.  Little did I know that at the time, as this was before EFT, yoga, meditation, healing therapies and self help books were anywhere near my consciousness.  I look back on my 17 year old self with love and pride that I had I light in me that I followed.  Years later it took me to the ocean.  Others have not had such easy journeys.

As I write this in the South of France, I am once again learning to let go and accept things.  The waves here are what my nightmares are made of - barreling, back breaking shorebreaks and shifting sandbars… which is one of the reasons I wanted to spend my summer here.  Exposing myself to Mother Natures cycles and facing my fears head on is the only way to get a grasp on them.  My physical limitations are nothing compared to how my mind holds me back, but step one is attending to those fearful thoughts with curiosity and compassion, maybe even with a giggle about how much of a wuss I am.

And as I approach the age where becoming a Mother is increasingly on my mind, I am starting to take the necessary steps to find out what my options are…womb transplant, surrogacy, adoption?  I am looking forward to visiting the MRKH department at the Queen Charlotte's & Chelsea Hospital in London for more information and guidance in that area.

Again, the path of Radical Acceptance is the only one to take, if it happens it happens, if not, life and indeed Mother Nature has other adventures in store for me, which I can only hope to greet with grace and gratitude.

We all have memories and emotions stored deep in us, only when we are ready for them to surface can we choose to embrace the healing that comes with radical acceptance.  The summer solstice, the day with the most light, encouraged me to illuminate what I have learnt and share it, so perhaps others know they are not alone, and even when the road seems filled with shadows, radical acceptance is a path we can always take.

Photo by Adan De Miguel

Practicing the art of non attachment

I’ve been in Sri Lanka for 2 months now, and as the oldest continually Buddhist country, what better place to learn about attachment and the suffering it brings.

“Let go” is saying we often hear to help us along the path when it gets rough, tough and tangled.  But why exactly does “letting go” give us any respite from the pain, worry, anxiety and anger that can be aroused from a particular situation?

Buddhism talks about the root of all suffering being in the mind, and it is in the mind we experience the effects of our desires.

“Through desire we give rise to attachments. For every desire there is a corresponding attachment, namely, to the object of desire.

If we cling to the desire for things to be permanent, then we will develop strong attachments, and because of attachment we will suffer. This is the second of the Four Noble Truths taught by the Buddha in the first sermon after his Enlightenment : "All suffering arises from desire."As a consequence, if we recognize rightly that all phenomena are subject to change and transformation, then there will be no room in our hearts for fear and worry.”

Simple, profound, yet oh so difficult to put into practice.  I am no zen monk, I have a family, friends and - why this seemed to feel so hard - I used to have a partner who I loved deeply.

For those of you that know me, you know of the struggle I have had letting go of a past relationship.  I have delved deep into the whys and hows, the ego versus the heart, the reactions and the disillusions, and the challenge of sitting still with my emotions.  Thankfully during this process my attention was brought to adult attachment theory.  Which held many answers.  For me, I have always been drawn to free spirits, but the flip side is these free spirits tend to be avoiding emotional intimacy and will bolt at any sign of the gap closing.  A pattern emerged but I did not recognise it, just seeing one failed relationship after the next.  For others, it may have been blindingly obvious, but when you’re in the thick of it is very hard to see the wood for the trees.  Having an anxious attachment means possibly getting triggered by you partner, and once you’re feeling anxious its very hard to get out of that state.  Being attracted to someone avoidant will guarantee they will never make you feel safe or secure, accuse you of being too needy and keep you in this anxious zone - where you are destined to push them away and ignite their aversion to communication and codependency.  Learning about styles of relating (with compassion), finding the techniques that work, the right people to support and choosing right (secure) partners is key.

One of the most powerful tools I also had during this time was yin yoga.  I heard somewhere you teach what you most need to learn, and after countless yin classes gently encouraging my students to: "Feel what it is you are feeling, do not judge, do not label, allow yourself to be" it was time to take my own advice.   Yes, I felt attached, hurt, broken, a sense of loss.  And it was ok.   

And in traditional Hatha Yoga (first 2 of the 8 limbs) The Yamas and the Niyamas include guidance on how to behave in a sattvic way and take the initial steps on the pathway to yoga. Ishvarapranidhana (within the Nyamas/observances) means to surrender.  And when we surrender to what is, rather than cling onto the outcome or our perceived future projection, we are perfecting this process of “letting go”.

Taking Buddhism, yoga and attachment theory into life…

Climbing Adams Peak allowed for the physical practice of non attachment, joining hundreds of pilgrims to tread the 5500 steps to the top of a scared mountain to a sacred temple said to house Buddhas footprint.  Would this experience bring me the enlightenment I was looking and hoping for?  No.  It would bring me irritation, sore calves, claustrophobia and impatience.

I was bemused that the essence of the Buddhas teachings were no closer to me here than at any other point in my life.  We started the long trek down, feeling heavier.  But to get down we followed a couple who knew a different route.  For 20 minutes or so, there were no people, no steps, beautiful views, plants and frogs, a friendly dog and silence.  We did not know that this way existed or that we would find it, and we weren’t even sure if we were on the right path, but it was stunning, it peaceful, it was all worth it, but it also only lasted for a very short time.  

And today it clicked; it is not about living without attachment but noticing when the attachment feels so strong it is stopping the flow of energy… something has to shift. 

When I can feel myself becoming too attached I imagine being a crab, hanging on tightly to a reed or seaweed with one of my pincers, refusing to go with the current of life.  I imagine taking the other pincer and snipping the plant just below where I’m holding so so tightly.  That moment is what I’m so afraid of, when there is no more control, the path is simply unknown and I’m swept away by the ocean and fate, but what happens next is what the Buddha talked about: I am free.

“In the end only 3 things matter: How much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of the things not meant for you”

So it is not so much about being attached or not attached but about being able to appreciate the moments that happen as they do, letting them go once they are done.  This can be applied to relationships, people, jobs, money, our own body.  There is only one certainty in life: That everything changes.

“Recognizing the radical impermanence of life, Zen Buddhism suggests that we should not be too strongly attached to life, for if we are, we will find ourselves buffeted against the sharp rocks of change. Instead of living in the past and future, we should learn to live in the present as fully as possible. This moment, at least, we are alive, while we cannot be sure we will be alive tomorrow.”

The Lightness of Being

I love these words.  I first spotted them adorning the hull of a beautiful sailboat moored in a Californian harbour.  During that time I was starting to embrace presence as an experience rather than things you receive at Christmas, and these words seemed to encapsulate all I was learning.

Five years on and I’d like to think my relationship with presence has developed and hopefully blossomed.  It’s high up on my list of life priorities and I put in some serious time in New Zealand practicing the art of presence by completing the book and course “The Presence Process”

Presence, and indeed, the lightness of being, comes to me most fluidly, most lucidly and languidly, when I am doing the things I love the most.  Surfing, yoga, eating delicious organic, vegetarian food… Or is it that I love these things because they allow me to feel present.  Whichever way around, it does not matter, for the point is, after travelling, learning, studying, practicing and working in New Zealand for 3 months I decided heading to the Hedonistic epicentre of Indonesia - Bali.

Not for indulgence may I add, for simple pleasures… like surfing, yoga and eating delicious, organic, vegetarian food.  Ok, ok and the odd margherita (I’m not a saint). 

I met up with my Play in Portugal cohort Jenn Moore and her yogi-adventure guide brother Mike, and together we crammed in as much ocean time and yoga classes as possible in between sampling as many different breakfast smoothie bowls and vegan tacos as possible!!

We mastered the art so much it almost became a vocation, a career path!

For 2 days I left Jenn to embark on my own mini adventure.  Fusion Freedive are based in Amed, in the East of the Island and it was here I wanted to go deeper into my connection with presence, via the most fundamental part of our existence: BREATH.  Or holding it, I should say.

Having already dabbled at diving to about 8m on one breath in Jersey, where the temperature was considerably colder and I was weighted with 7mm of neoprene, I was looking forward to a more tropical experience.

There was just me and one other person on the course.   And it was very interesting to witness the difference in our approaches and mindsets.  After the second day we laughed that we were like yin and yang - I was yin; tentative, receptive, more interested in the theory than achieving a goal, less driven, more open to learning and needed to be pushed in order to reach the depth of 10m for the level 1 certificate.  

What I discovered about myself through the course is that my mind often puts out negative projections - “I can’t!!”   This was probably the most liberating part, witnessing myself holding back, backing off and having to dive again and again to become comfortable with my limits.  But I was doing it, each time I would smash through a mental barrier by reaching the depth intended, soon reality shifted because - "I can".

Having to take my mask off at 10m turned into my nemesis.  I just couldn't get past it.  Bubbles in my face, a shock from air to water, I found it really difficult.  We were running out of time and the Instructor looked at me and said “Nat, you’re just going to have to commit to doing it, know that it’s going to be uncomfortable, know that you will struggle but try to relax and know that you can do it.”

That pep talk got me through.

What I learnt about humans, was just how incredible our bodies are and how when we enter the water we are reconnected to our aquatic roots.  Just by feeling water on our faces lowers our heartrate and our bodies immediately respond by conserving oxygen, taking it from our limbs and towards our hearts, lungs and brains.  The mammalian dive reflex - a response that is often left unexplored in individuals but something we can all tap into should we desire to dive deep.

Listen to James Nestor talk about his journey into freediving, and includes encountering sperm whales, the greatest freedivers of all.  http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0247lw3 

I feel the connection between yoga and freediving oh so deeply.  Brittany Trubridge puts it into words so well:

When we hold our air in (Antar Kumbhaka), such as in a freedive, we become closed circuits of energy. As we descend the blood shifts away from the extremities and poles of the body and moves towards the heart and lungs to preserve the royal organs. As this happens, we find ourselves engaging in full pratyahara (withdrawal of the senses), inducing a deep meditative state where our thoughts begin to cease and we fall into what is the definition of yoga: “Yogas chitta-vritti-nirodhah” – “Yoga is the cessation of the activities of the mind.”

http://www.brittanytrubridge.com/freediving/ 

During the last afternoon on the course we watched triumphant freediving videos that that blew my mind.  Here is Alan Watts talking about humanness and consciousness, with some seriously spectacular freediving.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Sv_Bv1H7BQ  This is what I want to spend some of my life doing!  Immersing myself in the oceans and hanging out with whales!

Feeling like something had shifted in me, I headed back to Canggu to allow things to settle and enjoy more waves, yoga and yummy food!  

I was awaiting my Indian tourist visa… my flight booked and departure in 2 days, I needed this ASAP.  Already it was 3 days late.  Time to put into practice what I had learnt.  Pressure.  Worries. Negative thoughts.  Like clockwork they arrived.  Breathe.  Everything was ok.  The situation was out of my control.  Breathe.  And repeat.  And go play.  It was not a case of forgetting, more like a surrendering.  The situation was out of my control.  The only thing I could do was breathe, go play and be present.  So those last few days in Bali were maximized and right at the very last minute, the morning before my flight, my visa came through.  There was no sigh of relief, because I had not sunk into panic and worries, just a chance to breathe, be present and emit some gratitude for it all working out. 
Bali taught me a lot this time around, it was here I found gratitude for playtime, allowed time to face my fears and mental barriers and experienced a unique opportunity to appreciate the lightness of being, under the ocean.

New Zealand brings new perspective

Riding the green wave

Thirty three and newly single, I decided to quit my coveted job as senior surf manager on the small Island of jersey and travel to New Zealand. As you do. 

I’d always dreamt of heading there, and as my passion for the environment has grown over the years, so too has my desire to visit this land renowned for its natural beauty.  I knew it would be a place to learn, grow, surf epic waves, immerse myself in the nature and hopefully heal my heart.  I decided to volunteer on environmental projects and gain qualifications in permaculture to take another small step towards my vision of setting up a self sustainable surf and yoga centre.

Raglan has it all

My first port of call was Raglan, the mecca of New Zealand point breaks.  I’d already contacted Phil, cofounder of Solscape, who agreed to take me on as a “Wwoofer” - a volunteer who works for their accommodation and food.  Solscape was built upon the three permaculture pillars - earth care, people care, fair share.  Phil and his partner Bernadette wanted to create an environmentallyconscious hub for travellers and 13 years later it is exactly that - a yoga studio, vegetarian cafe, surf centre and a range of energy efficient accommodation from tipis to earth domes to recycled train carriages.

Their recycling system is world class, with 75% of rubbish diverted from landfill- this is supported by Raglan’s Xtreme Zero Waste which tackles the whole towns waste management system.. that’s 178,833kg of rubbish every month recycled, reused or composted.  This is also a permaculture principle “produce no waste” put into practice; and shows that with dedication to identifying and sorting our waste as well as being more aware of packaging, our throw-away consumer habits can be rectified.  Landfill’s are the biggest culprit of soil and air pollution and pollution is just waste without a use!  

Not only is Xtreme Zero waste an invaluable tool for the community by providing kerbside collection, they deliver educational programmes, community mentoring and workshops and help natural habitat restoration by planting trees and implementing pest control.

Phil is also a renowned environmental activist, starting up Kiwi Against Seabed Mining (KASM), an organisation to directly oppose drilling for oil off the coast of his beloved Raglan.

Raglan’s environmental stewards are not just fond of the sea, they live and breathe it.  On the days when the points were pumping, Phil was nowhere to be found at Solscape!

After weeks of settling into the rhythm of Raglan life - which is relaxed to say the least - surfing Manu Bay (a perfectly positioned point break at the bottom of Solscape’s Hill) and practicing new styles of yoga it was time for me to head South.  I had signed up for Anahata retreats Permaculture Design Course specifically for the extra element of ashram style Satyananda yoga it was offering and was looking forward to some intensive learning. 

My introduction to Permaculture

Anahata Yoga Centre is situated at the top of Takaka mountain, which is in fact a limestone mountain range framing Golden Bay and known for its crystal clear spring water; Pupu springs has a visibility of 63m!  The permaculture course consisted of daily lectures, practical workshops, group projects, yoga and meditation, and had drawn together International students from various backgrounds - from yoga teachers to Maori looking to provide for their family.  Every 3 days we would do a havan - a fire ceremony ritual with chanting to cleanse the whole area and help new, pure energy flood in - connecting to the spiritual realm was a huge part of the course.  We would also learn several words a day in Maori, my favourite being: “Kaitiaki” meaning caretaker of the land. 

One of the most interesting points I learnt was about soil and how we tend to strip it of it’s nutrients by planting mono-crops, inadequate irrigation and sun damage.  We had the chance to take our own soil samples and evaluate the data collected - such as the pH level, number of worms and the colouration; which indicates how much clay or sand is present.  It was like being in school again!  With each day the permaculture principles would be more and more engrained in us and it’s these principles that provide the framework for creating new models of living, with a responsible approach to resources - whether its the sun, food, water, shelter, waste management, community living, urban development and wildlife management. 

Everything is understood to be energy - which is and can be constantly recycled and transformed, if we honour and work with the natural cycles of nature.  This also mirrors the yogic system, and it was a personal discovery that with the help of morning hatha yoga, afternoon yoga nidra, organic veggie food, early nights and no distractions like iPhones or internet, all the new information I was learning was easily retained and I found I had more energy than ever before.

Sustainability is a word thrown around a lot these days but my Permaculture Design Course allowed me to see the possibilities behind our current environmental issues with renewed hope, simply by going back to basics - “earth care, people care, fair share”.  There is a huge, global permaculture network, which is steadily growing and this can have a huge positive impact on the state of humanity as well as natural habitats, including the ocean.

Orca are out there

Back in 2013, I gave a talk at WhaleFest in Brighton and ran into Dr. Ingrid Visser, the lead voice on wild Orca.  She casually mentioned “come see me in New Zealand” so I just had to get in touch and see if her offer still stood.  Dr. Visser singlehandedly runs the Orca Research Institute, has been featured in many documentaries such as “the woman who swims with orca” and is also cofounder of the Free Morgan Foundation.  Orca are her life and she has dedicated 20 years to researching them.  I spent 10 days with Ingrid, watching how she operates this incredible project and helping out as much as possible.  Most Orca sighting come from members of the public who call the Orca hotline, it’s then her call if she races out in her boat to find the Orca and collect her data.  Before I arrived there were unfortunately 2 deaths of juvenile orca and Ingrid explained about the agricultural run off, due to farmers using pesticides affecting the food chain and being a major contributor to heavy metals in Orca blood stream. 

During my time, we didn’t spot any orca in the area, despite many hotline calls regarding sightings in the South Island.  The team there had been working hard on a video campaign to raise awareness on Morgan the Orca who is held captive at Loro Parque in Tenerife.  Learning about Morgan as well as wild orca through Ingrid really crystallised my view that Orca do not belong in captivity, these are wild, illusive animals and it is a privilege to see them.

Back in Raglan, a few days later I actually have that privilidge! A pod of 5 cruise into Raglan harbour, where they feed on the Rays.  Word gets to me quickly so I’m on the lookout and feel absolutely blessed to catch them heading South past Manu Bay to Whale Bay, it’s a feeling I will never ever tire of and gave me a glimpse into why Ingrid does what she does.

Surf communities helping surf breaks

My final eco experience was with Raglan based Oceanography firm eCoast.  After connecting with Director Ed Atkin (who is originally from my neck of the woods in the Midlands) at the Global Wave Conference, he was open to me helping with a new project aiming to collect data at seven surf breaks around New Zealand, to help support coastal protection policies.  These guys manage the science behind the stats and put in a serious amount of time and dedication - except they too are also nowhere to be found when there’s a swell, they’re out there doing research in the surf of course.  eCoast will be launching this project in February and will not only be using instruments and cameras to collect information, will be conversing with local communities to find out as much as they can about these important surf spots.  Ed had to shoot off unexpectedly to the Seychelles which halts our progress, but meant I was able to spend more time in the surf as well as taking new friends out at Ngarui beach to help them with their surfing skills.

The mountain and the waves

The group of girls I met had to be one of the best things about my New Zealand trip, we had all met volunteering at Solscape and forged strong friendships fast.  We decided to do a hike up Mount Kaiori to celebrate our time together, the mountain that overlooks all the surf breaks and in Maori legend is said to be a jilted Princess who, upon discovering that love was lost, lay down and rests.  When everyone put their phones away and started walking meditatively, our natural instinct for storytelling arose.  We shared our hopes and fears as we came back down the mountain and let our footsteps dissipate any negative energy.  My favourite story from that day was hearing about the young boy in a yoga class - instead of saying Namaste when it finished he said “no mistakes”!  I felt that this could apply to so much in our lives and acknowledged how we sometimes let the fear of failure hold us back.  A relationship gone wrong or a massive wipe out, what if there really are no mistakes? Just continual lessons and opportunities for learning and appreciating what you DO have.  I couldn’t really see this clearly before I got to New Zealand, but I am stoked to say that this country has taught me many things, especially that.  When you have clean, fresh spring water, an undeveloped coastline, wonderful people around you and freedom to surf as much as you physically can, well, there’s SO much to be grateful for.

During my last week in Raglan, Phil helped me set up a screening of The TransparentSea Movie, a documentary following the Surfers for Cetaceans campaign I had joined back in 2011.   Over 100 people turned up for the screening, despite us hardly advertising.  It was heartwarming to see so many faces and I spoke about how valuable rallying together is, especially with Phil about to take on another battle against the oil companies with KASM.  It was the perfect way to inspire the local community and remind them that the fight to protect their coastline is not over.  Permaculture principles can also be used in a social context and this a perfect example of “Integrate rather than segregate”; how bringing our voices together means we have so much more power - “Each one of us can make a difference but together we can make change.”

A new perspective

There’s something going on in New Zealand, and I think it is an authenticity that comes with being truly connected to the land.  I went to this country identifying myself as a surfer, as an ocean person but through my journey into permaculture I now feel a lot more grounded and more knowledgeable of the Earth I walk on every single day.  Learning practical skills like how to grow my own food and build my own house are truly invaluable and the realisation that what we do on land impacts so much of what happens in the ocean really hit me. 

Green is not only the colour of nature, but it is the colour of the heart chakra.  So did New Zealand heal my heart?  It did, but in the most unexpected way - it allowed my heart to evolve and find a new perspective on love; that loving yourself fully is way more sustainable than looking for it in relationships or happy endings.  Filling yourself up with love from the inside - whatever makes you feel love and for me it’s surfing, yoga and the outdoors - is the key and sometimes you have to go through the ache, the falling and the failing to learn that there really are no mistakes, it was all meant to be.

Hello 2016!!!

I welcomed in 2016 with a skinny dip with friends in the Pacific Ocean! I have been in New Zealand for nearly 3 months now, and the power and natural beauty of this place is starting to have an effect on me.  There is time and space here to observe and interact, as things seem to flow at a much slower pace and because of this tasks seem less rushed and less stressed.  As my journey comes to an end in this gorgeous country I am starting to collect and consider all I have learnt and how exactly I have grown.  A deeper understanding and connection to the earth, that's for sure.  I always saw myself as a surfer, as someone more in tune with the seas... but through my permaculture course, through living in a tent for a few weeks, through eating the best organic food I have ever eaten, through harvesting and planting my own seeds, I see the Earth as an amazing, abundant, natural resource.  One that we need to treat with respect and care... Just like yoga allows us to attend to attend the inner temple (zone 00) my initiation into deep ecology has allowed me to declare my commitment and aliegence to Planet Earth - the outer temple we all share.